Oh Goodness

"And lead me Lord not to Evil," for I can find it myself.   I once laughed at a shirt that had this message, but now realize the message is nothing to laugh about.   There are two possible explanations for my sudden increase of failure to stay pure.   Either I am having a very hard time controlling my fleshly desires this week, or the Devil does not want me to continue to write about my experiences.   I hope to think that the second reason is the truth.   In my past time with this problem, particularly starting last year, I only gave in to porn and masturbation once a week.   This week however, I have returned to find physical pleasure three times.   Everytime I go back I find it harder and harder to ask for God's forgiveness.   The pain I once felt for my intentional turning from Him I barely feel, now I just feel frustration in myself.   I truly wish I could rid myself of this, and in fact I know in my heart that I could.   However, everytime I come against a trial I seem to lay down and roll over instead of fight with the strength the Lord has given me.

Why do I return to porn?   I know that it only gives momentary satisfaction.   I know the pleasure is wrong and goes against my soul.   Thinking about this I remember the words of John Grisham, the writer of Captivate and Wild at Heart.   In the book Wild at Heart Josh relays his belief that men will turn to porn if they do not feel like a man.   To think this applies to me evokes many strong feelings saying the opposite, but maybe it is true.   My dad was never very present in my life.   In fact it is not until recently that he tried to relate and come into my life.   Because of this, I realize that they only reason I know what it is like to be a man came from my friends dads.   I was blessed to have great friends who had great dads that I was able to watch.   Even more of a blessing was going to a private school where strong Christian men were there to teach me explicitly how to become the man God wants me to be.   Even looking at me from the outside I look like a man.   I am tall, strong, slow to speak and quick to listen, but is that what a man is?   Struggling through this now I think that the measure of a man cannot be taken from the outside.   The measurement must be when no one is looking, and that is the time when I fail.   This hurts to think, and writing it down doesnt hurt any less.   So how do I become a man?   The truth is, I dont know.

I think that in order for me to change I have to stop trying.   That is a strange thought but let me continue.   Whenever I feel the urge arise in me to look at that certain cite, or think that certain thought, I try and suppress it.   To do this I try to think about something else, completely avoid thinking about it.  Maybe this is where I am wrong.   I think that in order for me to overcome this thought, this desire, this urge, I have to kill it immediately when it arises.   Instead of avoiding the thought and staying in front of my computer, I need to kill the thought be either praying or reading the Bible, and then leave the room.   Go workout, go into the library, anything but be in the room alone with a computer.   I will try and apply this thought into practice, PLEASE pray for me to keep strong and work at this new approach.   As always I hope I dont see you for a while.