The truth is, I need help. I go to a very nice school, have been privileged from birth, have a life some people would kill for.... But instead of rise even higher then where I am, I choose to fall straight on my face. I was raised Catholic which makes it a little hard for me to think of myself as Saved, as opposed to a Sinner. But this is not my problem, and the truth is, is that I have no idea what my problem is. With this realization I have found out that fixing a problem that you dont understand is impossible. And it is with that, that I introduce the purpose of this blog. I am going to struggle, cry, and work through my thoughts to work this problem out and if I dont make sense or if you dont understand I am sorry but I need to do this.
Even though I do not know my problem, I know the symptoms, and they are nothing if not consistent. It seems that about once a week, usually on Monday, either my body has a deep desire to look at porn, or by some happenstance I glance a picture somewhere that leads me to look for "Hot College Parties" or "Sexy College Teens" and the occasional "MILF."
Wow, that was really hard to write. I am trying to be completely honest here so if I make you feel uncomfortable I am sorry.
As I said before, I am a "Born-Again Christian" which presents a problem when I give into this desire. Each and every time I give in I am so frustrated with myself. I enter into a sort of "Funk" which nothing can cure. I become depressed, angry, and for some reason crave oreos. I have tried praying, pleading, and shouting at and with God to help end this struggle I am in usually without response. I think that he does not answer because He knows that I know how to end my suffering. I have known for a while what I must do and got a definite answer from God this last weekend during Church. He told me that my "Chains" would fall off, that I would be free if I would talk to someone about my actions. And there lies another problem.
I am engaged to the most amazing woman ever. I am going to an affluent school. There is no way that I could let anyone know about what I do. Especially my fiance. We have remained pure, thanks mostly to her, and have been through many trials which have made us closer and have helped us grow in faith. I love her more than anything in the world and yet I consistently cheat on her with my computer. I am hoping that this blog will help me with my struggles. I am hoping that I will be able to work through my addiction and break the hold that Satan has on my life.
I usually pride myself on my writing, but I know this blog has been everything but organized. I hope that you will pray for me. I hope that you would even write me a comment with encouragement, or advise and help. But above all I pray that I will end this addiction. I pray that I can walk down the isle in a few months time completely free and able to give my whole self to my beautiful bride before the Almighty God. Thank you for your time and your prayers. I hope to come and write after each of my failures, so hopefully I will not see you for a while.
Even though I do not know my problem, I know the symptoms, and they are nothing if not consistent. It seems that about once a week, usually on Monday, either my body has a deep desire to look at porn, or by some happenstance I glance a picture somewhere that leads me to look for "Hot College Parties" or "Sexy College Teens" and the occasional "MILF."
Wow, that was really hard to write. I am trying to be completely honest here so if I make you feel uncomfortable I am sorry.
As I said before, I am a "Born-Again Christian" which presents a problem when I give into this desire. Each and every time I give in I am so frustrated with myself. I enter into a sort of "Funk" which nothing can cure. I become depressed, angry, and for some reason crave oreos. I have tried praying, pleading, and shouting at and with God to help end this struggle I am in usually without response. I think that he does not answer because He knows that I know how to end my suffering. I have known for a while what I must do and got a definite answer from God this last weekend during Church. He told me that my "Chains" would fall off, that I would be free if I would talk to someone about my actions. And there lies another problem.
I am engaged to the most amazing woman ever. I am going to an affluent school. There is no way that I could let anyone know about what I do. Especially my fiance. We have remained pure, thanks mostly to her, and have been through many trials which have made us closer and have helped us grow in faith. I love her more than anything in the world and yet I consistently cheat on her with my computer. I am hoping that this blog will help me with my struggles. I am hoping that I will be able to work through my addiction and break the hold that Satan has on my life.
I usually pride myself on my writing, but I know this blog has been everything but organized. I hope that you will pray for me. I hope that you would even write me a comment with encouragement, or advise and help. But above all I pray that I will end this addiction. I pray that I can walk down the isle in a few months time completely free and able to give my whole self to my beautiful bride before the Almighty God. Thank you for your time and your prayers. I hope to come and write after each of my failures, so hopefully I will not see you for a while.
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