Stuggling

I confess I have not been faithful.   Today and monday I failed.   I looked at porn, in fact, today I fell into masturbation twice.   I cant believe it, I am so disappointed in myself.   I know that God doesnt reward us or punish us based on our sinning and boy and I glad, because I have midterms this week.   I just hope that God knows just how much I wish to be perfect.   However, I realize those are empty words.   If I truly wished to be perfect I would just stop right?   I dont know anymore.   Lord I am so sorry that I fail so many times and walk right into sin all the time.   I know that You want the best for me and You are always there to cheer me on, and I am sorry that I rarely give you my all.   Please Lord, shower your grace upon me.   Forgive me of all of my sins for I am so sorry.   Please Lord help me to feel close to you.   I want to know You Lord and I want so badly to be your friend.   I love you Lord and pray that you will give me the strength, understanding, wisdom, and will to fight against the evil one and rid myself of his hold on me.   I know that this will be a slow and painful process Lord so give me the patience to persevere.   Thank you Lord for how great You really are and how beautiful your love is.

Worst Day Ever

You would think that I would be able to resist sin purely for the reason of trying to have a good day.   It seems to me that whenever I sin, the rest of my day becomes terrible.   Immediately I feel regret and i cant pull out of the death spiral that always comes.   Today for example I watched porn, I didnt even put up a fight against the evil one, in fact without feeling much temptation at all I waltzed right into it.   For the next few hours I spent in front of the computer watching movies, then I went and played basketball and got terribly frustrated, now i come back to my room to do homework and dont understand a single thing.   I hate this feeling of hopelessness.   I cant even stand up and fight for what I believe in and i am being punished, rightfully so.   I need help and the fact that i am falling into temptation more and more I take to be a sign that I am doing something either very right, or very wrong.   I know that with one push I can rid my life of the addiction, I can run right through the wall of sin I have built and truly be held by God.   Every day I think that this Salvation is just a day away, and every day i find out Im wrong.  
Lord, I suck.   I cant do anything right and I am on my knees.   I have months until I am married and I feel right now that I wont be able to give myself wholly to my new wife.   I feel hopeless that I wont be able to free myself ever.   Please come to me Lord and give me the salvation I seek.   I am truly sorry for intentionally turning from you so many times and ask for your forgiveness.   Please Lord save me.   I know Lord that I have the strength inside of me to become victorious, please help me to use that strength that has been given to me by You.   Please save me from myself Lord.   I sacrifice myself to you.

Confession

I confess that I have not been faithful to this writing endeavor.  I have fallen technically twice, but more like 4 times to my addiction since last writing on this blog.   By technically I mean that I have watched porn, but the Lord saved me before I was able to masturbate.   I Have tried those techniques that I had thought of with success, the only problem is leaving the room and escaping the source of my temptation after initially putting down my urge.   Both today and yesterday I have fallen into porn.   The worst part about it is everytime I begin to get sucked in, I hear the still small voice offering me the chance to escape the snares of the evil one.   Almost every time my spirit rolls over and allows my flesh to drown out the voice with the sound of debauchery and lust.  
Lord I am so sorry that I am flawed.   I know as humans I cannot be perfect, but I wish so much that I could be.   Even with that sentence I fail you.   My spirit yearns to be whole and blameless but my flesh laughs at you and craves the goods of the world.   I love you Lord and know that I have a long way to go in my journey, and I need patience.   Please Lord forgive me for my sins, grant me the strength and patience to endure and persevere, and please Lord do not give up on me, for I know that I will fall again.   I love you Lord and pray for your forgiveness because I am so sorry and do not want to run from You anymore.   I pray that I will make You smile upon me tomorrow Lord and defeat the evil one.   Please Lord give me the strength to make tomorrow a turning point in my battle against addiction, and help me find my way back to You. Amen

Oh Goodness

"And lead me Lord not to Evil," for I can find it myself.   I once laughed at a shirt that had this message, but now realize the message is nothing to laugh about.   There are two possible explanations for my sudden increase of failure to stay pure.   Either I am having a very hard time controlling my fleshly desires this week, or the Devil does not want me to continue to write about my experiences.   I hope to think that the second reason is the truth.   In my past time with this problem, particularly starting last year, I only gave in to porn and masturbation once a week.   This week however, I have returned to find physical pleasure three times.   Everytime I go back I find it harder and harder to ask for God's forgiveness.   The pain I once felt for my intentional turning from Him I barely feel, now I just feel frustration in myself.   I truly wish I could rid myself of this, and in fact I know in my heart that I could.   However, everytime I come against a trial I seem to lay down and roll over instead of fight with the strength the Lord has given me.

Why do I return to porn?   I know that it only gives momentary satisfaction.   I know the pleasure is wrong and goes against my soul.   Thinking about this I remember the words of John Grisham, the writer of Captivate and Wild at Heart.   In the book Wild at Heart Josh relays his belief that men will turn to porn if they do not feel like a man.   To think this applies to me evokes many strong feelings saying the opposite, but maybe it is true.   My dad was never very present in my life.   In fact it is not until recently that he tried to relate and come into my life.   Because of this, I realize that they only reason I know what it is like to be a man came from my friends dads.   I was blessed to have great friends who had great dads that I was able to watch.   Even more of a blessing was going to a private school where strong Christian men were there to teach me explicitly how to become the man God wants me to be.   Even looking at me from the outside I look like a man.   I am tall, strong, slow to speak and quick to listen, but is that what a man is?   Struggling through this now I think that the measure of a man cannot be taken from the outside.   The measurement must be when no one is looking, and that is the time when I fail.   This hurts to think, and writing it down doesnt hurt any less.   So how do I become a man?   The truth is, I dont know.

I think that in order for me to change I have to stop trying.   That is a strange thought but let me continue.   Whenever I feel the urge arise in me to look at that certain cite, or think that certain thought, I try and suppress it.   To do this I try to think about something else, completely avoid thinking about it.  Maybe this is where I am wrong.   I think that in order for me to overcome this thought, this desire, this urge, I have to kill it immediately when it arises.   Instead of avoiding the thought and staying in front of my computer, I need to kill the thought be either praying or reading the Bible, and then leave the room.   Go workout, go into the library, anything but be in the room alone with a computer.   I will try and apply this thought into practice, PLEASE pray for me to keep strong and work at this new approach.   As always I hope I dont see you for a while.

Way too soon

Well I am sorry to inform you that I am back.    Just one day after my first blog I have returned, I failed my cause, I messed up, I masturbated.   I know this feeling of defeat all too well, every time I close my eyes, images of naked women, the helplessness to make them go away, and the feeling of being lost.   The worst part is, is that looking back, I can see all of my mistakes that lead me down the wrong path, I can see how the little decisions I made lead me to corruption, and I can see how I am poisoning myself and my future.  

I ordered two devotionals for men last week and I am happy that they are here.   I plan on doing one during the morning, and the other in the afternoon in an attempt to keep my focused on our Lord.   The only positive I can take from today is the hope that my failing was a result of Satan trying to make me turn away from the right path.   I hope that me doing this blog, and me doing these studies is a way to progress in helping me fight this addiction and rid me of this torture.   I am sorry for keeping this short, but I have a big test tomorrow and I havent studied at all.   Thank you very much for your prayers and keep thinking of me.   I hope to not see you again for a while.

Lost

I hate trying to find a traffic intersection that allows U-Turns.   Whenever you really need one, it is always one street ahead.   I have been searching for a U-Turn since the sixth grade and every week, every day, it seems that I am coming to a light where I can turn around, but when the trials start I find that I just cant turn around.

The truth is, I need help.   I go to a very nice school, have been privileged from birth, have a life some people would kill for.... But instead of rise even higher then where I am, I choose to fall straight on my face.   I was raised Catholic which makes it a little hard for me to think of myself as Saved, as opposed to a Sinner.   But this is not my problem, and the truth is, is that I have no idea what my problem is.   With this realization I have found out that fixing a problem that you dont understand is impossible.   And it is with that, that I introduce the purpose of this blog.   I am going to struggle, cry, and work through my thoughts to work this problem out and if I dont make sense or if you dont understand I am sorry but I need to do this.

Even though I do not know my problem, I know the symptoms, and they are nothing if not consistent.   It seems that about once a week, usually on Monday, either my body has a deep desire to look at porn, or by some happenstance I glance a picture somewhere that leads me to look for "Hot College Parties" or "Sexy College Teens" and the occasional "MILF."  
Wow, that was really hard to write.   I am trying to be completely honest here so if I make you feel uncomfortable I am sorry.
As I said before, I am a "Born-Again Christian" which presents a problem when I give into this desire.   Each and every time I give in I am so frustrated with myself.   I enter into a sort of "Funk" which nothing can cure.   I become depressed, angry, and for some reason crave oreos.   I have tried praying, pleading, and shouting at and with God to help end this struggle I am in usually without response.  I think that he does not answer because He knows that I know how to end my suffering.   I have known for a while what I must do and got a definite answer from God this last weekend during Church.   He told me that my "Chains" would fall off, that I would be free if I would talk to someone about my actions.   And there lies another problem.

I am engaged to the most amazing woman ever.  I am going to an affluent school.   There is no way that I could let anyone know about what I do.   Especially my fiance.   We have remained pure, thanks mostly to her, and have been through many trials which have made us closer and have helped us grow in faith.   I love her more than anything in the world and yet I consistently cheat on her with my computer.   I am hoping that this blog will help me with my struggles.   I am hoping that I will be able to work through my addiction and break the hold that Satan has on my life.  

I usually pride myself on my writing, but I know this blog has been everything but organized.   I hope that you will pray for me.   I hope that you would even write me a comment with encouragement, or advise and help.   But above all I pray that I will end this addiction.   I pray that I can walk down the isle in a few months time completely free and able to give my whole self to my beautiful bride before the Almighty God.   Thank you for your time and your prayers.   I hope to come and write after each of my failures, so hopefully I will not see you for a while.